Acolytes Anonymous

Hi...my name is Ariadne, and I'm addicted to the Acolytes.

(Hi Ariadne.)

I can't help myself...I try to behave like a normal person, but I always seem to revert into some kind of Acolyte, anti-social behavior.

For example, I've taken to laughing at the most inappropriate things. And I'm not just talking a giggle or a soft chuckle...I mean loud maniacal laughter. If things don't go my way, I just pull out my trusty lighter and set things on fire. Not people, mind you, but things. You know, benches, desks, that sort of thing. Of course, there was that one time I set that girl's hair on fire, but it was pretty long, so she wasn't in any real danger.

As far as relationships go, I suddenly think that I'm God's gift to men. With a soft, smooth accent straight from the French Quarter (even though I'm from New Jersey, and I don't speak any French), I'm confident that I'll get any man who catches my eye. Carelessly smoking cigarettes (with the lighter mentioned above, and even though I don't smoke) in dimly lit bars, I sit alone at a table playing solitaire until that special someone walks in. Once he notices me, there's no escape. My charm, classic good looks, and cool confidence works every time. And if an unwanted visitor drops by looking for trouble, I simply throw my spare deck of cards at him/her, grab the hand of my newest conquest, and run out the door before my advisary can recover his/her wits.

My temper, I fear, has taken a turn for the worse, and flares up at the most innocent things. Like when I was watching a nature show...the narrator's voice only had to mention the word "wolverine," and I suddenly had an urge to break a chair over the TV. And I have to repress the growl that creeps up my throat during old Law & Order repeats whenever Detective Logan appears on the screen.

But there are also times when I'm calm, quiet even. I do as I am told and keep my opinions to myself, but only because I fear for my family's safety back in Russia (once again, even though I'm from New Jersey). My patience has its limits, though, and if I'm pushed too hard, I stand up for myself. I'm very strong, so it's better not to get on my bad side.

When the mood strikes me, I pull out my white wig and race from place to place, moving so fast that I'm nothing more than a blur (or so I tell myself). Unfortunately, my speed doesn't quite match my expectations, so I often find myself lying about the places I've been (to Texas and back in a few seconds? No problem). A side effect of this particular mood is the fact that I'm temporarily terrified of my brother.

At night I creep around my house, erasing and changing the memories of family members. When my brother can't remember what he did last night, that was me (not all the alcohol he consumed). When my parents remember a particular situation differently than I do, it's because I changed their memories (not that I remember it wrong).

And sometimes I play the role of the leader, fierce and determined that I'm in the right, no matter who tries to tell me differently. I am the future...we are the future. These "normal" humans are a thing of the past. So I spend my time preparing for the inevitable war in which we will proclaim victory over our evolutionary-challenged brethren and rise above them. Of course, I'm always wearing my special helmet so no one can read my thoughts. Oh yeah, and I practice picking up chains of paper clips with magnets.

Things are getting worse by the day...

I've cut out the fingers of all the gloves in the house!

I've grown my nails long and claw-like!

I've dyed my hair bright orange!

I call everyone "cherie"!

I stomp around the house, pretending that my body is surrounded by some kind of metal!

I try to force people to join my (nonexistent) group of evil henchmen!

Can anyone out there help me?

(Silence ensues.)

Actually...on second thought, never mind. I'd rather be an Acolyte groupie than a super hero wannabe.